1: End each episode of mass with a cliff hanger. Every week its the exact same thing. It’s been the same story for over 2,000 years. Why not leave people questioning whats going to happen next? Whats wrong with;
‘Judas ran into Jesus’s secret lair and declared Moses was outside and he has a gun and he’s drunk- that’s it for this weeks sermon, may you go in peace and spread the love of our lord, amen.’
Or maybe leave on an agnostic note?
‘God is great…or is he?’
2: Instead of holy bread, why not give people acid? Bare with me. Everybody knows acid is good for you if you take it for religious purposes. Not only would the acid make the catholics firmly believe in bull shit that isnt there but it would also offer a chance for the church to front itself as a progressive 20th century organisation.
Plus, imagine how freaky it would be to be locked in a church for 20 (acid) hours, with an old pedophile ranting from a pulpit about the burning of Gomorrah? Every where you’d look there would be old people crying, scraping their eyes out, blood, jesus crying on the cross, the unholy flames of hell burning the air from your lungs. It would be fucking amazing. You’d go to mass every week.
3: Get Jedward to turn up at mass to sign the bible.
4: How about some in house competitions? Like every opening sermon could be voted on during the week. The priest could put up his top five sermons on facebook and which ever one gets the most likes he has to read. Sorry thats not very good, I was reading a blog about online marketing earlier……….
5: The priest should have a gag word that he has to work into the sermon. Like pig belly or roast hippopotamus. It would be hilarious.
7: Insist on “after hours mass” for anyone who has made their confirmation. This ones a bit risque but i think it would work. It would be after 10 every Friday and everyone has to dress like they are sexy latinos. This would clearly enable people to be more open and frank with each other about their beliefs in Jesus and his dad, God.
9: Priests should be made carry swords and shields with them everywhere they go. This would create a sense of importance and help gain the confidence of the local parishioners. Lets say we were attacked by dragons in the morning, who would you call?
I dont know either. But if priests carried swords, who would you call? Fr Murphy, thats who.
10: Pizza Party Priests. I think this should be an additional service offered by the Catholic Church. The Priests make the pizzas and then deliver them. Simple. If you’re prepared to listen to a twenty minute presentation about Jesus it becomes a pizza party. They could also give you a free holy garlic mayonaise with every garlic bread.
So there ya go Ratzinger, balls in your court now.