>Live Blogging the BAFTA’s

>I don’t know how to live blog, but the BAFTA’s are on and i’m writing this blog…so maybe this is what live blogging is…

Jonathan Ross is making awkward jokes…
Famous people…
People acting like ‘Avatar’ was the SHiT as opposed to just shit.
Montage of the best films this year. I’ve seen maybe three of them…
Claire Dannes.
People i dont know…
Presenters making awkward jokes….
Someone talking about a dream she had last night.
She saves the weirdness with a mildly amusing joke.
I cant believe ‘Up in the Air’ is up for the best film….it’s fucking BULL SHIT.
Predictable, uninteresting, generic, boring…..if you havent seen ‘Up in the Air’ ; George Clooney is an all over the place sudo emotionally retarded retard who thinks he falls in love with a woman but it turns out she’s not a real woman because she’s married with kids. The only interesting part was this thing where his sister asks him to take pictures of a card board cut out of her and her fiance in various locations because they cant afford to travel and it turns out they asked loads of people to do it for some wall thingy at their wedding. Did i mention that the cinematography was bull shit too?
And that Reitman guy is the sun of the guy who made GhostButers….GhostBusters.
Shit i missed a load because of my ranting…someone won something and believes in unicorns…
Whoever’s in the kitchen could you shut the fuck up? I’m trying to live blog the BAFTA’s
Jonathan Reece Moyers speaking with his fake accent- You’re from Cork you Fucktard.
Why didnt he put on a load of weight and grow a beard for that part in that show that he do be in on the tv? LAZY.
Seriously, shut up in the kitchen.
Text message.
I hope Hurt Lockers wins.
Two Solpadine.
Bitter resentful thoughts.
Self pity…
Rising Star award…i think i’m nominated this year.
Black guy puts on glasses.
No. I was wrong. Didnt get nominated…good thing i didnt show up.
The girl with emotional problems from twilight wins something and thanks her parents. I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank both her parents and indeed my own parents.
Guy Pearce…looking like Dr Bunsen from the muppets. I wish he talked like Dr Bunsen.
‘In The Loop’….should be called ‘In The Loo’ ……High Five?
‘Up in the Air’ wins best adapted screenplay?
That book it was adapted from must’ve been a pile of contaminated excrement imported from Chernobyl just after the -KaBOOM- which somehow managed to travel through time to the present day in order to preserve it’s half life thereby making it extremely dangerous.
David Carradine? Isn’t that the guy who died from wanking?
I bet he’s up for best wank.
Animated Films…i hope that film i made wins…it’s probably not going to because i didnt make one.
I hope ‘Fantastic Mr Fox’ wins…i made it.
I’m going to illegally download ‘Up’…the animated film i really made.
The real director of ‘Up’ is bragging about being married.
I think he should’ve thanked me for really making the film he made- ‘Up’
Carey Mulligan..i think she used to work in Dunnes Stores.
Her dress is actually a 3d puzzle….you gotta try find her tits.
Films in another language…i dont mean to sound uncultured but- BORING
Some sexy tall lady translates stuff…dryly….i think she’s making up what ever the director said….genius. I wish i had the job of a foreign speakers award winning speech translator.
I think there should be a looky-likey category. People in films that look like other people in other films.
‘Precious’….looks like they cast a girl thats huge, fat, black, on the peripheral of society…curse at her…throw shit at her…and then a lighter skinned woman helps her love herself…and BOOM Oscar……..(bafta)….
I think i’m up for best director.
Nope, not me. I was thinking of Kathryn Biggalow.
Same difference though.
I slept with Kate Winslet.
Only the once…and she didnt enjoy it. It was a huge step down for her, socially. I’d do her again but this time i’d be more attentive to her needs. She really didnt enjoy it the last time, not at all.
Kate, if you’re reading my blog- can you get in touch with me? Please. I lost your number but i would very much like to remain, at the very least, friends.
Seriously, how the fuck is ‘Up in the Air’ nominated for anything? It was a huge pile of crap.
Colin Firth doesnt know how to fix his own fridge….what a fucking loser.
Mickey Rourke has a dyke hair cut. I bet he really is a she.
Audry Tattoo speaks french like she’s faking it.
Saoirse Ronan is from Carlow…she can never escape that fact.
Anyone else think Meryl Streep over acts?
It’d be really funny if someone threw up on themselves when they find out they won an award.
Carey Mulligans tits are in the wrong place- thats why i couldnt find them earlier…i’m doubting her dress is a 3d puzzle.
Ok, best film coming up….i think ComaStoned is nominated.
I wish i had Dustin Hoffman’s voice
….i’d ring people and be like- ‘Hello, this is, Dustin, Hoffman, i’d like to order a cheese, pizza…thats right…a cheese, pizza. ‘
‘Hurt Locker’ may have kicked ‘Avatars’ three dimensional blue butt but kinda not really because ‘Avatar’ happens to be the most successful film ever…just not at the BAFTA’s.
I wish Kathryn Biggalow had said ‘Fuck your fucking face James Cameron’
If i was too ill to make it to the BAFTA’s i wonder could i get Prince William to fill in for me….he could go sign on for me.
Jonathon Ross introduced Prince William so he could introduce Uma Thurman?
Who in turn introudced someone else?
Uma Thurman has the reading ability of a 5th class knacker with reading difficulties.
She should put her fingers under the words so she doesnt lose her place.
That sentence she just read literally took 5 hours…
Great the part of the show where they reward old actors for being old. Personally i think we should, for want of a better word; murder old actors.
I know what you’re thinking- Dave, who will play old people in films then?
Well firstly; it wouldnt hurt to have less old people in films and
B; we can use make up and computers to make robotic old people.
‘Up’ is taking forever to download.
That old woman’s grandmother was turned into a young man? Through Radium? Is that possible? Dolly Dick? What is she talking about?
Someone should stop this senile old bat from going on and on…
She’s fucking crazy… She’s got to be on stage dressed as a snowball tap dancing?
She needs to shut up….she’s embarrassing old people everywhere.
I dont mean to sound cruel…BUT i hope that old woman dies during this speech…just to give the end of this blog a bit of an edge…wait that sounds kinda petty…i hope Uma Thurman dies instead.
Nope…Nobody dies.
BAFTAs are over…i guess i can finish this blog.
Nope, all the short film thingys and music stuff.
Terry Gillingham only grew a beard because i grew a beard…he copies everything i do. PRICK

About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
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