Hey it’s me, DAVE MINOGUE!!!!
How’ve you been bud?!
I tried adding you on Facebook but i dont think you added me back. Maybe you dont use it that often. But we’re still cool, right? I didnt exactly get what i wanted for Christmas last year and to be fair i was a little bitter about it.
I’m totes over it now though.
Sorry i haven’t wrote to you all year and i dont blame you for thinking that i only ever write when i want something…it’s not true. Not even nearly.
Look, i need a favour. I’ve tried asking God, but as an agnostic and a general ass hole, i dont think he takes me too seriously. Besides the favour is not really for me, i think everyone would benefit from this…
I need a Hover board.
I know what your gonna say;
‘Dave, your very clearly on the naughty list.’
Well just hold on and hear me out, dickhead. I can explain everything.
I’m sure once put into context, each of my wrong doings/crimes, your opinion of me will change and you will begin to perceive me in the same light i do.
Ok, firsty- all the lies. Well i only ever lied to save my own back, get things to go my way, to make me seem like a better person or to get stuff i wouldnt ordinarily deserve- so technically i dont think i should be held responsible for those things as lying is a survival technique.
( By the way; If you see the Make a Wish Foundation could you thank them for the yacht? Also, could you tell them i’m dead?)
The theft. This is kinda awkward. I was at that house party and i didnt like the way the host’s friend talked about women… So, yes; i did take the potted trees, mirrors, chair, food and possibly a remote (?).
But, Santa, the guy was a chauvinist… i’m a modern man, am i just supposed to lie down and accept this behavior? No is the answer. Thats what the Jews did when Hitler was being a Chauvinist and look what happened to them.
Yes, i have urinated in or on a few things that i really had no right to urinate on. It’s not a big deal for me so i’d appreciate it if you wouldnt make a deal out of it. Thanks.
All the other bad stuff i’ve done shouldnt count because i dont remember them aka they never happened.
So, i’m sure you agree; I’m a great person and deserve a hover board.
If you could drop it over to mine that would be swell 🙂
Also, if it’s not too much trouble could you bring it earlier? Like the next few days…there’s no real reason, i just dont want to have to wait till X-mas day.
Anyway i got to go because X-Factor is on. Do you know Jedward?
Ps- I’ve grown a beard too.