>Several Problems with Lord of the Rings

>After watching Lord of the Rings on Channel 4 over the past couple of weekends, i’ve found myself quite puzzled by some key issues with the plot and characters.

1: The ring.
What the fuck does it do exactly? Ok, i get it makes Sauron more powerful

, but in what way? He apparently still had control over his orc’s and uraki without the ring. Plus if it controls everyone; how did they defeat him before, in the flash back?
You’d think that if it controls people or “binds” them, then you wouldnt have much to say about doing what ever Sauron wants you to do ie stop giving him shit.
And if it brings great power to whomever wears it, then how come Frodo was Bollixed by the end of it? And Gollum? It turned him into a retard.
Also, why didnt Sauron just make himself another ring? A better ring? Its not like it was a family heirloom, he built that ring himself. He’s too busy or something? It’s easier build one hundred thousand orcs than to build one ring? And why does it only make hobbits invisible?
2: Orcs.
If the Orcs are abused elves are they immortal too? Plus i dont get the

evolutionary process of the Orcs. Sauron bet them up till they were dirty Dickensian scum
and then when the abused elves
had sex, they gave birth to orcs? What? No. I dont think thats how it works. Not according to Darwin or science. Maybe Sauron abused them and then used selective breeding to get that orc look…but that still doesnt make sense. I mean, why? Was he just experimenting with selective breeding and stumbled upon Orcs
and thought they were cool? I’m not disputing that he did it, i just dont understand the how or why.
3: Gandalf.
I dont believe he’s a wizard. I think he was bluffing. What can he do thats magic? Nothing. Granted, the guys a pyrotechnics expert, knows how to make an excellent entry and is really good at giving advice, but Oprah is all those things and more. She’s not a wizard. Is she? NO. Either is Mcguyver, Kanye West or Leona Lewis. So why the fuck is Gandalf a wizard? He’s nothing but a show boat. “On the fifth day as the sun rises look east” How about you show up a fucking day earlier and help defend helms deep Gandalf. How many peopled died at the battle of Helms deep because of Gandalf’s lust for a glorious entrence? Nearly 300.
4: Sauron.
What exactly was Sauron anyway? Because in the flash back he was a giant black

knight and then in the story he was a giant fire eye. Huh?? And what exactly was his master plan? To kill everyone? Thats it? Why wasn’t there any negotiations taking place before all out war? Surely there must have been some middle ground they could’ve agreed on- it was middle earth after all…………………………………………………………..lame.
5: Middle Earth.
Are we seriously expected to buy into the idea that not one or two or three or four but FIVE different forms of humanoids evolved on this one continent? Each with a very similar level of competency? Really? When in the entire history of this Earth, that as far as we’re aware, there has never been more than two different species of Humanoids. Yeah right Tolkien.
6: Uraki.
What’s their deal? They were formed in mud cocoons like humans in the

matrix but in mud? What?
For the moment; lets say i buy that. Then how come they’re born adult size? Is there an infant to adult type process? If so where and when does this take place? If not how have they got such a fine tuned social order when there seems to be no apparent military training or schooling of any sort? At what level is their comprehension? Because they seem well able to communicate and cooperate with each other pretty damn well. I just dont believe that 10,000 Uraki marched on Helms deep in rank and file out of a sheer natural automative process.
7: Gandalf …again.
If he’s such a wise and powerful wizard as he’d have you believe,

then how come he didnt get one of his fancy giant flying eagles to fly Frodo straight to Mordor and dump the ring in there? I’ll tell you why; because he’s a drama queen. ‘Oh you must go on a perilous journey, thousands of people have to die for your freedom blah blah blah, you’ve got to do it on your own Frodo’. Gandalf doesnt care about anything. Making those two poor hobbits walk the length of Europe all by themselves. Disgusting.
He could have ended the whole thing easily if he hadnt been such a conceited drama queen.
Plus, he knew Bilbo had the ring for years, how come it took him so long to figure out it was the ring? I’ll tell you, because he hates Frodo. Notice how at Rivendell he kept going ‘Oh i couldnt ask you to destroy the ring Frodo’. He’s a wizard all right. A wizard at reverse psychology.
Plus that staff, all it is, is a fancy LED.

About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
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