>A Letter to Aisling

>Dear Ashling,

I think your a dick. Not an actual dick where dick is a methaphor for your personality (because i think you have a nice personality) but i believe that you are a giant walking talking sperm squirting penis.


Even though you are some class of genetic dick mutation i want you to know im not afraid of you. Sure if you got excited you might try to shove your whole swollen self into certain parts of me and i can understand why- i am a very sexy sex creature but the fact is -I am not afraid- where as most men of my age would fear this and really really really really hate that to happen.

Being not afraid does not mean I want you inside me, in fact i want the exact opposite; you outside me. But my lack of fear is just down to me being three quarters samurai a quater wolf and two more quarters genius with a ninety percent of my DNA dedicated to being Hilariously sexyfied and the remainder 12% is made up of sexy carbon and hydrogen bubbles of love . These statistics have been recognised by the cso (
www.cso.ie ).
I first got suspicious about you being a dick that time i rubbed your head and you threw up on me. You said it was just milk and that i had made you laugh and the milk came out your nose. A very plausible excuse as i am scientifically proven to be quite funny (
www.science.ie ).


But what i neglected to notice was that you were not drinking milk at all that day and that while rubbing your face you grew quite big and became ridgid, rather like a normal dick but bigger and you refused to stop rubbing yourself against me, which in hindsight was just rude and border line rape.

My second clue came when i googled your name. Why was i googling your name? Well i’ll tell you. I was tipped by an anonymous gangster that you were involved in a serious accident and i wanted to see if this was true, so i googled it.


The first link i clicked on was this site. At first i was delighted to be watching some class of a gang bang but then towards the end of the video, I saw you. I saw you attached to a guys naked body and looking extremely like a giant dick.

This was horrible for me. Here i was, worried that you had been involved in a very serious accident only to find out that you were really nothing more than a giant mutant dick who likes to gang bang around the place.


I thought we were friends. Was i so horrible that you couldnt open to me and let me know about your true phalic origins? How can our friendship flourish to new and wonderful heights, when its based on lies. And yes it is founded on lies.

Remember the first time we ever met? In David Thompsons college appartment in dublin. I was introduced to you and the first thing you said to me was “Hi, Im Ashling; a real woman” and i laughed and retorted quite smoothly “Well Its good to finally meet a real woman” then we smiled and looked at each other for a bit while finishing our champagne. Well you lied.

Dick.

I’m too upset to finish my letter. Believe you me, there is a lot more i wanted to say on this; but im just not in that place right now- emotionally (physically i’m in the perfect place by the computer and with a huge dictionary beside me).


My hearts bleeding its own blood over this, well pumping it, i know that this is the hearts function ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearts ) but i just needed to use some dramatic imagery to create a mental image of the drama caused by all this drama that has occurred by you not telling people you were a giant mutated dick freak.


Warm regards

Dave Minogue

P.S. That girl in the video is niamh and the other guy is a mirage.

P.P.S. I threw in that picture of you with Jane to remind to remind you of how ye used to be friends, lol.
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About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
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5 Responses to >A Letter to Aisling

  1. Scteve says:

    >why are jane and ashling not bffs anymore?and whens the book coming out?stephen.

  2. >I really dunno if i'm at liberty to say stephen… however suffice to say….. No. no, i cant do it (i'll text you the answer).The book should be out soon, hopefully in time for christmas

  3. John Morton says:

    >I heard you're ghost writing it Dave?Can't wait for that book. This blog keeps getting better and better. If the film rights go up, can I play Jane? Just to fuck around with the wigs and suck people off and pretend I'm Jane.

  4. >Well you've done plenty of research…Just send me a head shot

  5. John says:

    >Done and done.

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