>10 Self Help Tips For My Nephew

>Here is my nephew Ryan.

He’s only 10 months old but already i think i can see a few area’s he’d do well to improve on.

1: He could at least try to be more articulate. “Blargh” isn’t a real word and he should really stop trying to use it in every sentence.

2: Table manners. His table manners are atrocious. As you can clearly see from this picture (which i’ve posted as EVIDENCE) that he has no qualms about playing with his food. Even food he’s already eaten. That gunk on his thumb is actually toast.

3: Similar to 2, manners in general seem to be amiss. It does not hurt anyone to say please or thank you. However; Not saying them does hurt.

4: He should stop trying to sing along to songs that he clearly doesnt know the lyrics too. I didnt put on the TMF ‘Total Babes Hour’ to listen to you Ryan.

5: He should stop screaming at stuff that doesnt exist. It makes him look proper mental.

6: He should wear more weather appropriate clothing.

7: I’m not sure if this is him but he should stop putting the fridge magnets on the floor.

8: Its fine for you to borrow my books Ryan, i encourage it- but it’s not appropriate for you to ear mark your place by tearing out the pages you’ve read.

9: He should be able to do better tricks than; waving, clapping hands, paw shake and rolling over. He’s 10 (months) now, its getting a little embarrassing.

10: Ok, sensitive subject alert! Weight loss. This is hard for me to say but I think you need to go on a diet. I’ve shown several people pictures of you and each person has gone ‘ooooh he’s so fat!’ They might think it’s cute baby fat, but im not prepared to take on any chances. It’s your health we’re talking about Ryan.Either you lose a stone and a half by friday night or i’ll kill a telly tubby.

Incidentally i was only showing pictures of you because i was highlighting what a good photographer i am, not showing you off. Conceited much?

Anyway, should you rectify these faults, i’m sure we’d get on swimmingly and our relationship as uncle and nephew will flourish.

I look forward to the new you.


About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
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