>15 Ways to Avoid the Swine Disease

>In the next few days, the vast majority of the human population of Earth will probably (definitely) be infected by the flesh eating virus ‘Swine Flu’.

So i’ve been working with some well respected scientists in figuring out ways of avoiding the flu.

It’s imperative that everyone does everything i say or else they will 100% definitely die.

1: Eat more vegatables. After some extensive research we discovered that vegetables are so fucking good for you. This was previously unknown by pretty much everyone till we discovered it in our labs.

2: Rub a baby off your face. Babies contain natural immunities so when you rub them on your face; your face absorbs the baby antibodies and you dont die. Its also great for wrinkles.

3: Eat more Special K.

4: Avoid public transport. Public transport is for knackers and knackers are 17 times more like to contain flesh eating virus’s’s (virusi).

5: Dont have sex with people who look or smell like a pig (some people will try to disguise the fact that they look like pigs so be wary).

6: Dont touch an old person. Ever.

7: Go to bed early. If your alseep the virus thinks you’re already dead and will look elsewhere for another host.

8: Walking in a zig zagged pattern confuses the virus, giving you that extra advantage in out running it.

9: Put an old sock under a flat circular stone east of an oak tree.

10: Watch ‘Superbad’ it wont help you not get sick but its very very funny and well directed.

11: Spin left. Daily.

12: Drink less fluids.

13: Spray lemon juice on your crotch. Lemons have an almost magical quality in relation to crotch based bacteria.


About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
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7 Responses to >15 Ways to Avoid the Swine Disease

  1. Mick Minogue says:

    >did you die before you could write 14 and 15. ??

  2. Mick Minogue says:

    >I bet you did i bet you died. I bet you died so bad.

  3. >Reuben Whitehouse likes this.

  4. >And mick- no; im not dead as this comment clearly demonstrates and before you even dare to mention it; nooo im not a ghost. The only ghost around here is your dick. Thats right- you have a ghost dick. (how dare you say im dead. I thought we were cousins? cousins dont presume that their cousins are dead. Fuck dude. fuck.)I mean like, i try and i try and believe you me that i fuckin try but you never ever notice that im alive. Not even once, maybe once but not even one time have you tried to say ‘hey dave, your alive.’ WWhens the last time you did that? Ghost dick

  5. Mick Minogue says:

    >i cant believe you mentioned my ghost dick…..you better hope it doest wake you at night haunting your pants…. its like scooby doo during the chase scene with the surfing music running through doors after my ghost dick and my ghost dick after me and the gardener and his dick but he has a monster dick but really he is the master of the house cause both you and I are pesky cousins!!!!

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