>*Please read my previous post before this one. It’ll make more sense to your feeble little brain.*
So we had left the George and were on our way to an exclusive top secret gay orgy club on a roof.
We arrived at the address on the card and there was a que of about fifteen people trying to get in. We began to think the host had over estimated the exclusiveness of his orgy.
We asked the guy in front of us what was the story with this bizzare party?
He said they throw them around seven times a month (which is 1.75 times a week) but they get canceled if the cops show up…
After some time everyone was let in- but us. Random men were coming up to the door with their own swipe card and just letting themselves in. It was clear that we weren’t as invited as we had originally thought.
I blamed my girlfriends vagina.
Eventually a man came to the door and asked if were we the Italians (which we were) and let us in. We entered a hall and proceeded towards a lift and entered with the man. In the lift he introduced himself to us. Then he saw me.
“Who’s this pastey mother fucker?” he asked.
“Dave” i replied.
The lift door opened and revealed a bar crowded with people of all races. Fully clothed too.
We walked in a little, then noticed that the roof wasnt there. It was inside, but it was outside. Whaaaaaa?? Inside outside? Cool.
Before long, i started having visions of the bloodbath scene in ‘Blade’ but instead of been ripped apart by vampires, i’d be ripped apart by gay vampires and instead of been drenched in blood i’d be drenched in…you know….
Anyway, we got our drinks then basked in our collective ‘What the fuck is this place?’
There was no orgy anywhere.
My girlfriend came back from being somewhere else and pointed to a man not so far away. It was an actor from my favourite tv show ‘The Wire’ in a funny hat. Dominic West.
Is Dominic West gay? I doubt it. Although he was at a gay orgy in the sky…but then again so was i…but i had resolved to let a drag queen suck my dick…but i am ultra progressive like that….so maybe he’s ultra progressive too.
If it was him, he was in a stupid hat and looks smaller in real life.
I wanted to go up and say hi because he was in my favourite tv show ‘The Wire’ but i wasn’t sure if it was him. Although if it wasnt him, it was someone who looked just like him hanging out in a magic gay sky bar in the clouds.
He was talking to a man who was one of the drag queens in the bar earlier. Not the drag queen i was going to let suck my cock but at this stage i was ready to lower my standards. Plus i really wanted to try out my tranny chat up line.
So i went up and introduced myself.
then i high fived him.
The ‘great legs’ thing was true but ‘totally do you’ was a lie- even at that drunk stage.
When i told him i was straight he looked dissappointed which was a major ego boost for me. But he was too tall and not my type. So we just left it.
I then went to the jacks. And holy shit if they weren’t the unisex jacks from the hit tv show ‘Alley McBeal’.
Unisex jacks rock.
All the cubicles were occupied and there was a slight que. A woman came in line behind me. I made a rather witty remark about how she was ‘not to pull any of that ladys first shit in here’. We then started talking about how much urine we excrete (i excrete close to a litre).
We were talking for a bit and she was being rather flirty, grabbing my arm, hugging me, holding my hand. Then it dawned on me- she totally thinks im gay. As i was having this revelation, a cubicle opened up. I started wondering if i could invite her in with me.
I know how girls go to the jacks in groups of twenty five but i didnt know what the girl and homosexual protocol was. It might have come across as really fuckin creepy and blown my cover as a gay.
As i left the jacks, i followed my usual routine of washing my hands, but there was one of those people who spray stuff on you to make you smell there and expect change.
Considering how i had turned on the tap and washed my own hands and all she did was point out where the hand towels were, i was debating on whether i should tip her or not. I decided i’d give her twenty cents. But i had my hands full with my drink and the towel in the other, so i was walking to the bin to dispose of my towel (and sneak out without paying the twenty cents) when some queer shouted at me.
“Are yaz not goin to give the oul girl a your oh? Ya tight lil bollix”
“I had to throw away my towel first” i said.
“Yis were me arse, would ya not giver a your oh? Do ya not think she deserves a your oh?”
(Not really) “Of course she does, I was going to give her two because im not a cunt like you.”
I dropped my money in and walked out before this little bitch fight got serious.
I went back to the main area and ran into my new best friend from the jacks. I wanted to try out my gay cover again and see what happens. So i went over to find out how her piss went.
A girl thinking your gay is fucking sweet.
She was all over me, holding my hand, hugging me, doing that kissing on the cheeks thing. It was fuckin sweet.
She was hot too. I reckon in her early to mid thirties. I started planning on how i was going to keep this up, become her best friend, listen to her problems, watch her try on lingerie. Then i upped my plan; i’d keep going to the gay bars, become a familar face with the girls there, then start dancing with them, then i’d start grind dancing with them, then we’d do it (whether they liked it or not). They’d think they had turned me straight, i’d get laid and they’d feel fucking deadly about themselves.
It was a win win win situation.
It wasn’t the fact that i had a girlfriend that brought me back into reality.
No, it was Anne (my new bff) introducing me to her gay friend (my competition). He introduced himself to me and i to him, but he didnt hear me and leaned in.
Completly misreading the situation I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.
I never felt so gay.
Fuck my cover, i quickly told him i had a girlfriend and walked away.
I went back to the gay mafia and pam. The guy from the lift had joined them. He left and kissed everyone on the cheek. Everyone but me and pam. Once again i was a victim of hetrosexual discrimination. Pam i could understand.
Another man joined the party and came onto my girlfriend in that gay way gays do.
“oh your so fabulous. You should be on America’s Next Top Model!”
Yeah fucking right. Are you serious?
a: shes way too small
b: you need to be graceful to be a model
For some reason this guy wouldnt believe i was straight, not helped by pam telling him how gay i was and all the gay shit i do. None of which was true…except maybe that i’d do a tranny.
It was definitely time to leave.
We were on the way out and i figured i should tell Dominic McNulty that i love him before i go.
I spied his ridiculous hat across the crowded room and approached him.
I bear hugged him from behind
“I totally love you man”
The guy who turned around was not Dominic West, nor was it someone who looked somewhat like Dominic West.
I swiftly told him i had the wrong person and made my way to leave.
But not before he pulled me back, hugged me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and left me with the word
creeking down my spine.
And thus ended my night on the dublin gay scene.
Its a strange strange world out there.
But i dont regret a thing
…..except maybe not chatting up that tranny that i’d actually do.