When people traveling from abroad want to know of the gay friendly areas, well the area around me- is now officially gay friendly territory.
2009 started off gay. Sitting in a room on a remote island with a bunch of old and new friends telling each other why we liked each other and how we felt about each other. I knew that i had started the year off on a pink foot, but i had no idea how much gayer it was about to get.
My girlfriend’s Italian cousin came to visit and he happened to bring the gay fucking mafia with him. I didnt know what to expect. I was informed by family that they were all screaming camp homosexuals that danced too much. I’m not going to lie, i was somewhat afraid of what was to come.
But i was pleasantly relieved when they brought bottles of creme de lemon cello with them and happened to be extremely cool with funny cork accents.
I had managed to not join them in certain gay activities ( going to drag shows or gay clubs, touching each others willy’s) because i coincidently had other places to be at those times.
That is till last night.
Last night, we started off in a sushi bar eating sushi and drinking sake. Two very straight things to do. Eating raw fish is a very straight thing to be doing, especially on a sunday. Although there were a lot of same sex couples in the restaurant. So maybe going out for sushi isnt that straight.
Afterwards we went to The Dragon, a gay bar. The bar was empty but that did give me ample opportunity to admire the decor. With the exception of the several giant golden greek god statues it was pretty cool. Kinda smelt like chlorine. The bar was empty, it was decided then that we should go to the George. Dublins mecca for gays.
At first i was kind of nervous. I was under the impression i was man candy.
How wrong i was.
As you can imagine i was bitterly disappointed.
No one touched my ass, no one bought me a drink, no one asked me how i was, flirted with me, there was no eye fucking from accross the room(except for one instance, i’ll get to that). And for the severice at the bar?
I may as well have been a fat cuntish knacker girl applying for a job in Brown Thomas. Like, Hello? Talk about hetrosexual discrimination. I actually had to put on eye liner just to get served faster. By put on eye liner i meant i didnt put eye liner on.
But I definitely camped it up just to get served faster.
Did you know in gay bars anyone can use the girls jacks? I wouldnt get too excited because the majority of girls there are actaully men or fat. But every girl i saw i felt myself checking out doubly as often as i normally would check out a girl. I also found myself wanting to hit on them more or just tell them i was straight. But i figured that would probably be a not cool thing to do.
The george is shit. I could do a much better gay bar than that. It was like any other cestpool you regret paying to get in to, except more pink.
The first thing i wanted to do was to get up on stage and make a public announcement informing people i was straight and they should probably get out of my way when i’m walking around. After more thought i decided that was perhaps another uncool thing to do.
There was a drag show on. Most of the drag queens kinda freaked me out a little. They looked like the witches from the film ‘the witches’ which was based on the book ‘the witches’ but a little bit smack head-ish but definitely more glamorous.
Obviosuly i was conflicted. Thats her in the picture.
So after careful deliberation i decided i would let her suck my dick. I figured this would be ok especially since i’ve been with some proper train wrecks in my time. (fuck you).
But then i caught i glimpse of her bulge so the debate was pretty much over.
After a few more drinks i was ok with the bulge and back to ‘I totally would’.
So much so, i had toyed with the idea of going up to her, high fiving her and saying ‘Dude, i totally would.’ Plus she was really tall, like 7ft tall. I’ve always wanted to get with a giant woman.
I kinda of did with Britta from Berlin, but she was only my height and it was shit.
Anyway i was having a laugh, thinking of funny ways to chat up a drag queen, plotting my urination in the girls jacks, minding my own business when i notice i’ve been staring in the general direction of a drag queen who kinda looked like a Japanese Shrek.
Obviously she had mistaken my staring and smiling at my own jokes as some class of eye fucking initiation and had already started making her way towards me. But thankfully my girlfriend arrived and saved me by clearly marking her territory by grabbing my dick and shouting “THIS IS MY COCK, MY COCK” and hitting the wall with her shoe till the tranny backed off.
I stand there, talking to pam when i hear
‘Hi There Kilkenny Boy’
A line that cuts me to the core. Its a guy i vaguely recognise from a year ahead of me from school, outing me as he walks by.
I briefly panic and think of all the possible rumours that might start to fly around the internet. Perez would have a field day. Then I remember he’s a nobody. Plus I kinda decided to let a tranny suck my dick and would probably tell everyone about that revelation anyway.
The night was just about due to come to an end. Fransesco, a member of the italian gay mafia had recieved a card from a stranger, inviting him to an exclusive party in some penthouse near by. At first we said it sounded too much like an orgy. But then we said this sounds too much like an orgy!
This positive spin on the argument won me over immediately. And it was decided we would go.
So off we set, me, my girlfriend and the italian gay mafia, on our way to a top secret gay orgy club.
Check back tomorrow for part two. Where i finally chat up a tranny, use a unisex jacks, juicy gossip on celebrities and how to lose those christmas pounds