>The Cumbersome Cucumber

The other day I was cooking a special Sunday dinner for my friend cucumber who was coming over for a special Sunday Cornation St omnibus dinner party. It was set to be the vegetable social event of the season, all the best vegetables were there; Greg, Shauna, Tim C, Tim McCormac and Scarlet O’Hara. Then, then completely uninvited CUCUMBER arrives.

Needless to say I invited the bastard in-because I’m well known for my hospitality, but it was soooo awkward. You see Cucumber is cool, he’s a cool guy, everybody loves the ‘Cooo’. But he is such a picky eater. I had to cook him a completly seperate dinner. He wont eat potatoes (unless his mother cooks them) he won’t eat carrots because he identifies with them too much, the only thing I had in the kitchen that he would eat was a tomatoe. One tomatoe. Which I was saving for Christmas.

Anyways, I cooked the tomatoe. I sliced it up, it was a big one so I got about six nice slices from it. I took the slices put them in a tray that I oiled. I splashed a dash of vinegar over the sliced tomatoes, then sprinkled a nice table spoon of sugar over it and placed it in a preheated oven at 200 degress celcious (180 fan) and left it there for about half an hour (use your own Judgement !!!).

Anyway, because Cucumber arrived uninvited he had to wait just a bit longer for his food. And my GOD did he let us know he had to wait. He Was So Annoying. ‘Dave, how’s the tomatoes coming along?’ ‘Dave, are they done yet?’ ‘Dave have you seen the dark knight yet?’ ‘Dave you havent forgot about those tomatoes have you?’.

Of course I’ve seen the fucking Dark Knight. Jesus.

Anyway, once the tomatoes were done (perfectly I might add) we all had a splendid meal and enjoyed the replaying of our favourite tv soap ‘Cornation St’. Then we played charades, and did tequila slammers off each others chests. Then tequila slammers turned into a breath taking game of rape.

I used Mr Cool Cucumber to penetrate Scarlet O’Hara’s bum, thus reaping my revenge on that cumbersome Cucumber.

PS Tim C and Tim McCormac fell in love.


About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
This entry was posted in comedy, cucumber, dave minogue, food, tomatoes. Bookmark the permalink.

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