>A conversation with an annonymous friend who emigrated to PARIS (!) and i randomly bump into her under an EIFEL TOWER


Jane Murphy?

Jane Murphy? No way. Really? Is that you? Fuck off.

Jane Murphy. How are you? Yeah, yeah I’m good, real good. I just came, so I’m all mellow and shit.

No I didnt menatlly objectify you and mentally take your innocence.

What do you mean how can you be certain? Because I have the internet thats how ya can be certain. Don’t flatter yourself.

Ok, you popped in, right at the end. As an after thought. Well more of a finisher. Weird eh? But it wasn’t anything freaky or kinky.

Well ok, a little bit kinky. No, I’m not telling you. Because its personal thats why.

No serioulsy, stop asking.

Your embarrassing me.





Ok ok, but you cant tell anyone. Especially not your father.

It might pop up and i just think it would be best if you didnt mention it.

How would I know what ye talk about? I was just saying dont tell your dad about me masturbating and using your image to climax.

Ok I phrased that badly. I dunno why your getting insulted, its flattering.

Because I could jack off over a million different hot chicks but I chose you, thats why.

Because your my friend and it feels more personal that way.

Look I’m starting to feel awkward about this whole conversation. I think your trying to villafy me and trick me into sounding like a pervert. Really i did nothing wrong.

Its a natural thing.

Yeah it is. Monkeys do it. Apes too.

We’re 99.98% ape Jane.

I think its a perfectly valid point. Apes are human too.

Why not? I think your getting a bit racist about this.

No seriously, you are. If something is 99.98% something then you round that off to the nearest whole number and that number is human.

If someone told you they could cure cancer with a 99.98% certainty you’d believe them.

If a doctor told you.

A good doctor, who’s being studying how to kill cancer for 35 years and is the foremost expert in cancer curing statistics.


All apes are human.

I think your being overly anal about this.

I dunno why I even stopped to talk to you, I was just taking my usual september 11th walk under the Eiffel tower and i stopped to say hello because Im sound.

For charity.

Your just being a douche bag about everything I say.

You wanna fuck?

Ok, sorry, my bad. I thought i picked up on something. I’m drunk.

I’m not drunk, i just thought it might get me out of this conversation.

Still with Mick? How’s Paris?

Cool. Teaching still?

Nice. Ever teach your students how to say dirty words?



Tit wank?

Fuck shit?

There isn’t that many dirty words when you think about is there?

No, they arent the only ones i know.

I know loads more. Wank, bitch, bastard, tosser.

I know i said it twice. How many do you know?

Wow. Thats pretty much the erotic fantasy i used to come (cum) earlier. Maybe not as racist.

You see the new batman yet? Pretty class eh?

You think so? I thought he was good but the oscar is a bit of a strecth.

Hey I gotta go, my train is coming and i need to get on it.

I’m giving a speech in Salsberg, Germany on why i think knackers are stupid.

No, I’m not getting paid.

Anyway have a good day and we’ll talk soon.


About davetheminogue

I'm one of those cynics you're always reading about.
This entry was posted in comedy, dave minogue, jane murphy, letters, paris. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to >A conversation with an annonymous friend who emigrated to PARIS (!) and i randomly bump into her under an EIFEL TOWER

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